AS swiftly as you entered my life, you also left and here I sit with notes on notes with all things I never got to say to you. I could let the notes die a slow death – resurrecting them when I want a good cry (like last night). But what is heartbreak if not an opportunity to make art?

So here is a jumble of my thoughts. A word vomit.

All the things I wish I could say to you –

I.

You were the medicine to my anxiety;

Hearing your voice would calm my deepest fears;

I need to hear you say my name everyday;

I started looking forward to Mondays because of you;

I want to melt in your arms;

You’re so brilliant, I could hear you speak all day and night;

Your smile is stuck in my head;

I could drown in your eyes;

Sitting around you was so difficult because I couldn’t stop staring at you;

You are prettier than the prettiest sunset I have seen;

You are wonderfully random;

You made me happy by just being you;

I have saved so many screenshots of our conversations to be able to relive our banter and it feels so silly;

Every time I see a pair of magpies, I wish for your happiness;

You were my favourite part of 2025;

It’s 12:05AM on your birthday and I’m staring at my phone convincing myself the best gift I can give you is to not wish you;

Meeting you felt like a rom-com, I walked in ready to tell you off and instead I just fell;

We met on 8.8 and I convinced myself it meant we belong because ♾️♾️;

I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the day we met…

II.

I want to wake up curled in bed with you wrapped around me, your entire body on me acting like a weighted blanket to my deepest anxieties.

You made me feel safe. You made me feel seen. You made me want to try. You made me feel like I belonged. You brought out my childishness. You made me like myself for the first time in years.

You hurt me – sometimes with your rude words and sometimes with your nonchalance. But every time I told you what you did wrong – you listened and tried to change and that meant the world to me.

I read this quote and it made me think of you – “If I could live again, I’d repeat every mistake so long as it leads me back to you.”

My favourite moment from 2025 was the last day in Mumbai. I came into the room to take my charger and you said something stupid, so I looked towards you and we both just looked at each other and grinned for a few seconds. *My heart literally melted*

It’s the December holidays. I’m re-watching Schitts Creek and gushing over Patrick meeting David. And the first thing David says about Patrick to Stevie is ‘he was very snippy’. And my heart just melted. It was the first thing I told you about you.

We are bantering and I tell you that you’re like Snape while wearing a Snape t-shirt – I wish our conversation could last “always”. (My patronus would literally change form to match yours.)

Every single time that I had to say goodbye to you in person I teared up knowing that I may not see you again.

I thought I was incapable of feeling anything. I went on dates, met amazing men and kept forcing myself to feel things because I felt dead inside. You changed that, you made me feel; feel a lot of everything.

I would like to believe that we saved each other. That for a brief period of time we were what the other needed to get through what we were going through. To help mold each other a little. To bring joy to each other in our own unique ways.

III.

Happy Birthday. (I know your password now. I wonder what I can do with it.)

I wish for you joy always. I wish for you things that bring out that gorgeous smile. That smile that could light up the sky. That damn smile that would make me forget where I was.

I wish for you the kind of success that makes you feel seen and acknowledged. The kind of success that brings you peace and puts all your insecurities to rest. The kind of success your brilliant self deserves.

I wish for you love. So much love. Always. I hope you always feel like you’re deeply loved and wanted.

I hope that in quiet hours, when the world feels heavy, you remember there was someone who looked at you and saw something worth holding on to. (line copied from an IG post)

IV.

I know you’ll never read this but this song makes me think of you (Annika’s part) and if you hear it, I hope it makes you think of me (her by JVKE ft. Annika)-

V.

8.8.25 – our first meeting

(deleted paragraph because I’m not ready to share this story yet – soon though)

VI.

And as my final act of love – I will unwrite myself from your story; I will let you go.

PS: Hello, friend. If you read through the post, please know that I’m fine. I’ve come to understand that sadness and happiness go hand in hand. That sadness is a human emotion that I don’t need to run away from. And sometimes things don’t go the way you hope they will and it’s okay to grieve. If grief is the price we pay for loving, I’m okay with it just to have known him for as long as I did. Like a wise bear once said – how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. Funnily, this is the best my mental health has been in years. I hope you’re doing well and thriving too. Sending you love for sticking around and reading the sporadic posts I put out. ❤️

PPS: Just posted it all to get it out of my system and get that final closure.