How Are You?

Notes from my diary:

15 February 2025:

Three words that are capable of sending me into a spiral of anxiety and overthinking. Every single time a friend or well wisher asks me this one question, I spend hours mulling over how to respond. Should I be honest and tell them that I’m a fucking mess? That on most days I find it hard to leave my bed because the world and this life scares me. That nothing brings me as much joy and comfort as rotting away on my bed. That on most days I feel like the world has forgotten about me and it feels sad but also brings a sense of relief knowing that no one is expecting anything from me. That I could disappear or drop dead and at max two people would notice it. That on most nights I lay awake in bed wondering what is the purpose of my existence. That I am afraid to not have a TV show playing in the background always because the voices in my head drive me crazy. That I cry in silence without making any noise because I’m scared to ask for help. That I’m scared of asking friends and family to help me stay afloat while I slowly drown. That the burden of existence feels too heavy on most days.

Instead I say – “it’s all good” hoping that they won’t notice all the ways in which I’ve started disappearing from this life. But maybe also hoping someone takes notice and saves me.

15 February 2026:

How am I? Uhm.. I think I am fine. On most days, I am better than fine – I am okay.

I survived things I thought would be the end of me. I found the will to try again. And all because of the people around me who didn’t let me disappear into nothingness. The friends who forced me to leave my bed. The friends who forced me to speak to people who could help me. The acquaintance who helped me get a job without realising that they weren’t just giving me a job, they were giving me a new lease on life. The coworkers who helped me through every panic attack I had while I learnt how to function again. The coworker who stayed up with me till 1AM to help me when I was lost at work. The cute coworker who became a much needed distraction when work got too much to handle. The client who patiently and without judgement taught me all the things I didn’t know. The friends who let me rant about the same thing again and again. My family who did things to make my life easier while I recovered slowly. My sister’s dog who gave me so much love when I didn’t have much to give to him (other than a lot of cuddles). Every single one of them saved me in their own way without even realising they were saving me.

So I am okay. I am okay!! (I know okay doesn’t sound as good as good does but I prefer the calmness of okay.)

How are you?

I wrote the first part of this post last year in February when I was struggling badly mentally and feeling like I was too lost to find my way back. Seeing it in my drafts a few weeks back made me realise just how much my life has changed in one year. So for anyone struggling right now – things can change and will change, you just need to keep trying. Don’t be afraid of reaching out to people and more importantly – let people help you. Things will get better maybe not immediately but months from now you’ll look back and be amazed at how far you’ve come.